Parents Matter: Tips for Raising Teenagers
Adrian H. Cline, Superintendent
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The following was prepared for the
White House conference on teenagers by:
- The National
Campaign to Prevent Teen Pregnancy
- Campaign for
Tobacco-Free Kids
- National Campaign
Against Youth Violence
- Office of National
Drug Control Policy
Being a parent is one of life’s
most challenging – and rewarding – responsibilities. But the parents of
teenagers may have the toughest job around. Adolescence is the journey from
childhood to adulthood, from relying mostly on the judgment of others to
learning how to make responsible decisions independently. It can be a difficult
transition for both teens and their parents, especially in a society in which
young people are confronted daily with the serious risks that come with sex,
violence, drugs, alcohol, smoking, and school failure – risks that science and
common sense tell us are often related. Because the various risks teens face
are so closely connected, so too are the solutions.
It’s easy for parents of teens to
believe that they’ve lost their influence over their kids once they reach
adolescence. The power of peers and the media can seem overwhelming. But
research and experience both make clear: parents do matter in the lives of
their teens. Teenagers need support, guidance, and caring from their parents as
much as younger children do. And teens themselves say they want to hear from
their parents about the challenges they face growing up, even if they don’t
always act like it.
While each of the organizations
that have helped develop this publication has a different focus, we offer many
of the same messages to parents. Parents can do so much to foster their kids’
talents and skills and guide them toward healthy development. Parents can also
shape the communities their children grow up in. Whether you’re concerned about
drinking, drugs, violence, trouble in school, smoking, or sex (or all of the
above), the best advice for parents is the same: stay
closely connected to your teenage sons and daughters. The following ideas can
help parents make a difference in the lives of their teens.
Spend time with your children and
teens.
Spend time with your kids, engaged
in activities that suit their ages and interests. Shared experiences build a
bank account of affection and trust that forms the basis for future communication.
Eat together as often as you can. Meals are a great opportunity to talk about
the day’s events and to grow closer with your children. Use
the time for conversation, not confrontation. Read, watch TV or movies,
and surf the internet together. Exercise or play sports as a family. Get
involved in community service with your kids.
Help teens gain a sense of
self-confidence.
Self-confidence is earned, not
given. Give kids opportunities to learn skills and gain confidence. Offer
praise for jobs well done, accentuate the positive, emphasize
the things your children do right. If they fall short, suggest ways to improve;
don’t criticize. Affection and respect will reinforce good behavior (and change
bad) far more successfully than fear or embarrassment.
Encourage your teens to get involved
in fun, safe, fulfilling activities.
Help your children to identify their strengths, talents, and interests and to
find opportunities in which these assets can be developed. Encourage them to
volunteer in the community, join a youth group, or participate in arts or
sports. It’ll give them a sense of accomplishment, connect them to positive
peers and adult leaders, and – not least of all – keep them busy.
Help
your teenagers set goals and understand that they have options for the future.
Help kids understand how the
choices they make now can affect their whole lives. Introduce them to
successful people in your community who can explain what it took to succeed.
Teens with long-term goals for education or work will be less likely to
compromise their futures by engaging in risky behavior.
Let your kids know that you value
education highly.
Stay involved in your children’s
education and let them know it is important to you. Explain to them how their
education will reward them later in life and why it is so important for them to
take it seriously now. School failure is often a warning sign of other
problems. If you notice a drop in performance, talk to your teen and his or her
teachers immediately.
Stay involved with your teens’
schools.
Parents are often very connected
to their children’s elementary schools but disengage as the kids get older. Try
to stay involved right through middle and high school. Pay attention to the
classes your teens are taking and the homework they are being assigned. Join
the PTA or another parent organization. Volunteer to be a tutor, mentor, or
guest lecturer. Meet your teens’ principals, teachers, counselors, and coaches.
Attend back-to-school nights, student exhibitions, plays, band and chorus
recitals, and sporting events. If you don’t show up, your kids will be the
first to notice.
Know where your kids are and what
they’re doing.
Set clear rules for your kids
about what they may do and with whom they may spend time, and talk to them
about why these rules are important. Establish curfews and make unchaperoned parties off-limits. Make a special effort to
know where your children and teens are on the weekends and after school, since
those are the “danger zones” when unsupervised young people may have many
opportunities to use drugs, commit crimes, and engage in other risky behavior.
The goal is to be an attentive parent without being authoritarian. Remember,
knowing where your kids are and what they’re up to doesn’t make you a nag; it
makes you a caring parent.
The second part of this column
will appear next week.
The
Office of Adrian H. Cline, Superintendent of Schools, is open from